I've always preferred odd-numbered years to even-numbered ones but after living through 2013, I think that's about to change. This week I spoke to a good - although not close - friend who had her world implode over the course of this year. It's ironic that our birthdays are the same day (although she's 16 years my junior) and has had the same kind of year as I have, although in different ways.
Where to begin? An overseas client who's owed me money (although I generously discounted my time on that particular invoice and was billing him for only 10 hours when I had actually - at his insistence - worked 16) for more than a year jerked me around yet again, promising to pay 'in a couple of months.' I let those couple of months lapse and followed up. I gather it's a jam yesterday, jam tomorrow, never jam today scenario. It's not just that he owes me money for work done - it's not just that we had a retainer deal that fell through as well as the promise of more work - it's not just that I have no recourse (other than blogging and tweeting about it, which I won't do). It's that when you're a solopreneur, a single client not paying can sink you because you've set aside time to work on that project and you've neglected marketing to others because you didn't think you had to.
I was determined not to spend another winter in Lethbridge and Southern Alberta, so I worked towards getting the condo listed by July 1. The condo market in Lethbridge is lousy at the best of times (100 condos listed every month, only nine sell). The first crushing blow was being told I should list the condo for almost $5k less than I paid for it, despite having invested $40k in renovations. New doors, new windows, new furnace, new hot water tank, four out of five new - and top end - appliances, new carpeting, new flooring, a new bathroom, and every room professionally painted since I bought in 2009. That doesn't include all the hard - and unappreciated - and absolutely necessary volunteer work I did on the board to ensure needed repairs and regular maintenance actually got done.
I consulted five real estate agents all told, however, and they all said the same thing. So rather than jeopardize the prospect of a sale by listing too high (which is a no-no in this particular odd market, where people don't believe in negotiating and just vote with their feet when they think the price is too high), and listed at the ridiculously low figure. Everyone who saw the condo loved it - and loved what I'd done with it. I even got compliments on how clean it was (me! the world's least secret slob! I'm still looking for things I threw into cupboards prior to every viewing).
My real estate agent was wonderful. But the only offer I almost got was conditional on the sale of another condo in a bedroom community just east of Lethbridge. Since there are few amenities in that community and people retire from there to Lethbridge, half the market for condos (those downsizing) just wasn't present in that community - only the first-time, 'getting into the market' buyers. So it could have been a year before the potential buyer's condo sold, leaving me in limbo for that entire time. So - no thanks.
Just as I was in the final stages of getting the condo ready to list, I sent a tweet about the
Globe and Mail redeeming itself with its investigative reporting on Doug Ford's past, citing numerous sources that would lead one to conclude he had indeed been involved in drug dealing in the 1980s in Etobicoke. This tweet caught the attention of a guy I had been friends with - and very briefly dated - when I was 18. Not counting Roger in kindergarten, he was the first man who ever proposed to me. Heartbroken over someone else and coming way too early in our relationship, the proposal totally freaked me out at the time. But it was a long time ago and I thought it was cute that he was getting in touch with me again, was pleased that he remembered me fondly (as I remembered him). I'll spare you the details, but he avidly pursued me, to the point of announcing he would move to Lethbridge. And then, without telling me what was going on, he started to lie to me (or had been lying to me all along, who knows?), about the fact he'd changed his mind about having a relationship with me (which would have been fine had he been honest about what was going on), and refused to discuss the situation with me. His lies took a particularly sinister form: by claiming he had decided not to come to Alberta because of serious health issues, I was frantic with worry about a man I had fallen in love with in addition to being hurt by his changing his mind.
Additional fall out from this whole escapade was realizing that a close female friend was actually one of those 'mean girls' I never encountered in high school. I really started to wonder when she started saying things to me like, 'You're remarkably self confident about seeing a man you haven't seen in 40 years.' Because of course, he must be Dorian Gray and I'm the only one who's aged? This of course was on a par with her telling me repeatedly 'your skin tones change after menopause' (um no, they don't - one's hair colour tends to change, but one's skin tones are one's skin tones - you don't suddenly go from being fair-skinned to olive-skinned) and 'it's almost impossible to lose weight after age 40' (tell that to my scales - I've lost more than 40 pounds in the last four years without dieting, counting calories obsessively or significantly increasing my exercise level). The icing on the cake was when she suggested that I wasn't really hurt by the particular person who'd lied to me and jilted me but because I wanted 'a' relationship, not specifically a relationship with him. I'm glad that when she last texted to say she'd call me soon, I responded by telling her that we had a lot to discuss - including the volume and tone of her unwanted, unasked for, and almost invariably bad advice and prognostications. Friends like that one does not need. And for the record, saying that I hate living and working alone does not mean the solution to the problem is a relationship - a job is every bit as good a fix as a relationship would be. Sharing space with a roommate is another fix. The last two are probably better.
While I have concluded my ex is mentally ill, the real damage is not that someone rejected me. What has taken a hit is not my ego - I am as attractive and as lovable as I was before this incident, no more and no less - but my ability to trust people in general and men in particular is at an all-time low. Which doesn't augur well for ever having another relationship. I am now leaning to the 'don't do it' side of the equation rather than the 'if it happens it happens and if it doesn't it doesn't' now.
I also discovered - finally going for a physical for the first time in far too many years - that I need to have my gall bladder removed. It was my real bladder I was worried about (it's fine), but thanks to advances in medical diagnostics, the ultrasound revealed a problem of which I was blissfully unaware. My GP has been wonderful throughout this whole thing, and while I can't say I'm looking forward to the surgery, I have learned to appreciate my doctor for the rare and wonderful creature she is. It's a relief to let my doctor be my patient advocate - I've become used to doing that work myself, and it's nice to not have to do someone else's job for a change! We won't know whether my gall stones are
cholesterol- or pigment-stones till the surgery is done. I suppose it doesn't really matter. Getting this dealt with has delayed my departure from Alberta. But I need to leave. Frankly I think Alberta needs to secede from Canada. This is the fourth Canadian province in which I've lived. It's the only one in which I've felt like a rudderless alien.
Shortly after the condo listing expired, my fridge caught fire. I must call the repair shop to get the results of the autopsy they conducted. The service repairman said in 35 years of repairing fridges he had never seen anything like it. He was very clear on the fact the fire had started in the bottom freezer compartment and was due to some sort of electrical fault. I knew there was something wrong when all the fridge's light bulbs went out at the same time and then the replacement bulbs burned out within 24 hours of being installed. And in fact I had called the repair shop twice about it, only to be told, basically, 'run along, little girl.' I was surprisingly calm throughout this whole incident and GE seemed very anxious to make things right, replacing the fridge even though it was a year past its one-year warranty and covering the costs of pick up of the old fridge and delivery of the new. So the only thing I was out was the cost of the ruined food, which wasn't too bad as I had been deliberately not buying in bulk while the condo was on the market.
Of the good things that happened in 2013 (and there weren't a whole lot of them):
My only surviving full cousin on my mother's side tracked me down on Facebook and we are now having the relationship I wish we could always have had. Better late than never. When we talk on the phone he calls me 'love' and it is so gratifying to discover it is possible to not just pick up where you left off more than 40 years ago, but that our mentally ill, evil sibling parents (his father, my mother) did not succeed in destroying our ability to connect and our desire to
be family. I love it when he calls me to test drive
his new web site on the mobile devices I have that he doesn't. And it is tremendously healing to know that he has survived the same kind of invidious, malicious emotional abuse I experienced, has lived to tell the tale, and has found both peace and love. It is also a relief to be believed. My mother was an amazing con artist, and trying to explain to members of my family who were snowed by her and who don't understand how relentlessly she tried to destroy me emotionally has led to fractured relationships. As I said to another cousin this year, "If you have fond memories of my mother, treasure them but keep them to yourself. But if you want to have a relationship with me you will stop arguing with me about how she 'wasn't that bad' and you will stop taking her side, because she's dead, I'm not, and I am done with listening to her lies, whether they come out of her mouth or out of yours.'
My friend
Mark stayed with me for the month of September, with his two sons spending the weekends. This was tremendously healing for me and a good lesson for me about how sharing life with and helping others can help you help yourself. Riley-who-is-four and I spent two Sunday afternoons 'reading' illustrated dessert cookbooks. He'd look at the pictures and then show me the page so I could tell him what the dessert was called (a lot of fanciful names go into naming desserts - we were intrigued by the 'Queen of Puddings' that appeared in both cookbooks) and we could discuss the difficulty to make, ingredients required, and how yummy it would be. I made my first rhubarb galette with rhubarb from Mark's father's garden. Riley of course had a special, age-appropriate job in the creation of the confection: I got him to use my meat-tenderizing hammer to pound the brown sugar cubes the recipe called for into crumbs. And he attacked that chore with gusto. I had to ask both the boys to stand back a little so I could actually roll out the dough, so fascinated were they by the whole process of making something from scratch. Riley might well turn out to be a pastry chef. But if he doesn't, that's fine. I learned something about how to get children excited about reading and something about not talking down to them. Mark was in stitches watching us sit on the deck in our matching lawn chairs having our seriously sweet conversations. Plus Mark turned me on to
Modern Family, one of the world's few tolerable sitcoms since
Murphy Brown.
David and
Danielle have been wonderful to me. Whether it's showing up at my door with two apple pies and four apple crisps, helping me get the condo ready to list, or resolving my car's battery problems by installing a trickle charger, they are love, friendship, and faith in action. I am blessed to have friends like them. My friend
Jeff also showed me his version of love in action, checking in with me by phone and email as often as he could when I was in the most devastating phase of grieving the relationship that was not to be and always making me laugh. When I told him the former mayor had snubbed me twice during a single meet and greet during the election campaign, it was impossible not to laugh when he asked me, 'Are you going for three?' And I am much closer to my friend Danica, who is struggling but has never lost her ability to laugh. I was particularly amused when we were talking one night and she said (she's a psychologist), 'You're analyzing me - keep going - I love it!' In my next life (although I don't believe in reincarnation), I will have a different mother - one who doesn't disparage my gifts while simultaneously insisting that I achieve, achieve, achieve. I would have been a great psychologist.
Finally, I got to work the local municipal election as campaign manager for a non-incumbent councillor. It was the first time in a very long time I had an extended period of doing work that challenged me (and
Wade can be a very challenging person, although in a good way most of the time. The rest of the time I've learned to just agree to disagree.). I learned a lot; my self confidence was restored; and I was reminded of the joy of working.
So - on to 2014. It can't - and won't - be a repeat of this year. That's why I've reused this photo of blackberries I picked in Port Coquitlam, BC. I call it 'Plenty.'
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